Anxious about nothing...

Hello to the one person actually reading this...thanks, mom! Even though I doubtedly have any actual in influence on society (...yet), I believe healing starts with us first acknowledging what we have gone through and finding people who relate with us. So, here I am...shooting my shot. I hope some of you can relate to my experiences.

Me hiking at the Fire Tower

If you struggle with anxiety, you know it is almost impossible to explain why you feel the way you do. If you struggled with it as kid, then you know explaining it to parents, loved ones, and even peers often left you feeling like you were an outcast. This coming from the girl who had a panic attack in her sixth grade French class and ran crying out of the room. I believe the rumor that spread throughout the grade after said that I had gotten my first period at my desk and panicked. Honestly, I preferred the rumor. Anything was better than trying to explain what was going on inside my head.

Trying to explain my emotions at such a young age often just ended in most people telling me, "Shelby, you are anxious about nothing". Lord, forgive me, I F****** HATE THAT SENTENCE.

You don't think I know that? Severe anxiety is a disease. Do people even know what that means? It means that my brain does not have an off switch. The smallest things will nag me over and over again until I feel like I am going to throw up. Sometimes, I can't even tell you what that thing is. Sometimes the feeling just happens. Inexplicably.

Even trying to explain how I was feeling to my mom, my best companion, drove me up the wall. She would get so frustrated trying to understand what was going on with me. Give her a break though, at that point I had developed insomnia resulting from my anxiety. Meaning, most nights I did that creepy stand-over-my-parents-bed-until-they-woke-up thing. Poor woman hadn't gotten real sleep in weeks.

I tried everything. Changing what I eat. Therapy. Sleeping pills. Praying. Writing. The whole shabang. Not only were my parents hanging on by a limb, but I had given up hope that I would ever be a normal kid. I thought when I got older, it would just naturally get better. Like once you hit 18, some magical fairy would bop me on the head and I would be cured. Well, I just graduated from college, and that is yet to happen. If anything, I'm learning that becoming an adult is harder than anything I've ever faced before. Lord, take me back to when I thought I had a lot of problems.

This blog is about my story. It's about simultaneously knowing I am anxious about nothing, but I should never let people demean my daily fight for a clear mind.

I may not ever be normal, necessarily...but, I have developed better coping mechanisms and I have discovered new ways to express when I'm feeling anxious. Even though my "magical fairy" is SERIOUSLY slacking, I've found tangible ways that help me not only cope, but thrive.

It's a daily battle, so if you feel the same way, then let's battle together.