Relinquishing Control

Hey there,

It's been a while since my first blog post, but I was trying to get adjusted to moving to a new state. The topic of this post is near and dear to my heart. Relinquishing control.

This is difficult for anyone, but even-more-so for people who have anxiety. I am not going to tell you I have mastered this art within my first two months of grad school, but I have realized its importance, especially within relationships. Last year at this time, I had no idea where I would be after graduating from undergrad. I applied to multiple graduate programs, applied for jobs, and waited. Then I waited some more. Until the waiting had me going insane. If you ask my boyfriend Jose, he will tell you I have zero patience. So, I honestly don't know if that time was more painful for me or him.

After months of waiting...I got denied from two programs, but accepted to my current program. From then on, I was dead set on trying to get a full-scholarship. I was probably THE MOST ANNOYING student University of Tennessee has ever dealt with during admissions.

Me with Dr. Moore and my pal Raven on graduation day!

I applied for the three graduate assistant positions still open once I heard about acceptance, but only one showed any promise. There was one graduate assistant position open in my department. I emailed and called, called and emailed, and I even set up a day to come sit in on classes in my program. I loved every minute of visiting the campus, but had no idea how I was going to afford out-of-state tuition without a scholarship. I looked through professors' research and reached out to them about potentially working on projects together. One professor was exceptionally helpful, and I honestly believe that if it weren't for him, I would not be in grad school right now.

Even after his recommendation to bring me on the UT team, I still had to wait. Little did I know, the department was going through some major changes, and I was probably the least of their worries.

I had no control!

Turns out, two months later I was offered the graduate assistantship in my department. I had never been so happy in my life. I called my mom and dad, my brother, my boyfriend, my neighbor's dog, you name it. I was so proud of myself and thankful to UT...for about two minutes, before I immediately started trying to hash out details of a move to a new state

Me on the first day of my grad program!

I'm trying to make three points here:

1.) Rarely will you have complete control over what your future holds. I'm not saying just don't even try. Try! Try until you're so stinkin' tired you can hit the bed and immediately enter REM. But, cut yourself some slack! You're doing the best you can! Somethings will just always be out of your control. This state of ambiguity makes us so uncomfortable, trust me, I know. You will be okay, though. You will figure out how to make it work. No matter if you are my age, or if your 48, or even 12. You have to learn to accept uncertainty. Relinquish control.

2.) It is okay if you do not have all together right now. Even if your best friends work at high end firms, or your brother is student loan free at 25, or someone feeds their kids organic and you hardly had time to go through a drive thru before dropping them off at practice (I don't have kids but y'all mommy-guilt it real). They are not you. You are not them. Comparison will only make you feel worse. Be happy for them, but realize that does not mean you are a failure. I felt like a disaster as my friends got jobs at PR firms making big (to a 22-year-old) money. But, I chose grad school, and that is okay! You can't control what other people do, and you can't let it make you feel worse about yourself. Relinquish control.

3.) Celebrate your victories. I celebrated so briefly before I started worrying about another task, that I never fully got to say to myself, "Hey, you frickin did it." I was proud, but it didn't last. It was overcome by anxiety of moving and working. Be proud of what you've done and pat yourself on the back. For victories both big and small. You control how you treat yourself. Remember control.

Sincerely,

Shelby